If I only had the time…
After raising two beautiful girls who are now in their 20’s, “ If I only had the time” was a reoccurring thought over the last 20 years.
As most mothers can agree motherhood is all encompassing, at least it was for me. I was very aware as my girls were getting older that these days were fleeting and would never return, so cherish them I did.
From the very beginning I knew there would be no “redo” for these moments.
I remember the other mothers would scold me for allowing my 4 year old to sleep in my bed when she was scared. I didn’t listen to the “elders” who cautioned me against picking her up when she cried. I held her in my arms and soothed her so she knew I was here for her. “ You’ll spoil her they said with that disapproving look. I knew that look well, as I received it many times when bubby came over and shook her head at the mess on the floor.
Toys every where, finger painting easel set up right in the living room for my little artist. A mess for sure, noisy yup, and a little bit of insanity made for a happy childhood. Grandma would walk through the door and stop and shake her head at the tarp in the living room filled with dirt and flowers, because today was the day we would plant beautiful flowers right in the living room.
Days were filled with tantrums and laughter and everything in between.
Many speak of the actual birth taking the life out of you . I believe its the 20, years of tears and laughter and moments that change you into a completely different person. A person who is full of love and memories and pride and whole lot of heart ache as your loves move on to do just what you set out to do. During the formative years I can remember saying if I only had the time to myself. If I could just find some peace and quiet. If I could be with the adults and speak about adult topics and do all the things I used to do before my life changed and motherhood began.
So here I am by myself both of my beautiful girls who are amazing young adults have moved out to begin their lives and write their own stories.
A quiet home, no toys on the floor, not craft projects drying on the counter,
no mess. I am faced with exactly what I wished for, TIME.